Butterflies and spiders (short story)
I ate a butterfly today.
What? You don’t believe me, do you? Ah well, it was worth a try. You see, I actually only tried to have a bite, but it snapped and gave me one hell of a bruise on my left cheek. How is it women know exactly where to hit a man? Do they get taken aside in secondary school for a class, how to hit at just the right angle? You know, it was not really my fault that I asked her if she tasted as nice as she looked. Really, she was wearing a dress with strawberries and I simply adore that kind of fruit. No double-meaning involved here….even I don’t shoot that low. I guess I need to improve on my opening lines…
I am an accountant at the local bank and if I am not working I try my luck with photography and falling helplessly in love with women that don’t like me back. I myself have started to think of it as a talent. All my friends agree by now that they don’t know anyone else quite like me in my choices and amount of failures. Today’s included.
It had been at a friend’s birthday party. Since the weather this Saturday in the first week of July was absolutely great we decided to have a barbecue and go swimming in the nearby lake. That is where I met her. Amanda…the girl with the strawberry fetish and the evil right hook. I mean, common, isn’t that a bit far for equality of sexes? In old times you heard all those stories about men beating women, but have you noticed that violence and abuse against men in the last 10 years have gone up drastically? Not saying either thing is right or fair, but it does make me wonder what happened to the fragile image of a woman that used to be around. I haven’t quite decided what to think of it apart from pondering to become a monk and living a save and sheltered life away from those monsters. Would drastically reduce my failure quota too… You heard me right! After all these months of failed dates and rejections I have decided to change my point of view. Machos always walk up to women and call them “butterflies” for their grace and bladibladibla, but seriously: Aren’t they much more like spiders? They build a pretty web and wait for some fool to come along. If you are not the right person you get to see their ugly selves for free. In a way I guess that is kind of a life saver. Would you like to date a spider? Not for me. So, would you not agree that sitting here next to my cereal and cup of tea a decision is in order? No more women! What do you need them for anyway if all you get is beaten up, played with or otherwise hurt? You say I am exaggerating? Yeah, right, you come to my experience with 32 years of failure under your belt and than we can talk. OK, I might not have been thinking about dating while lying in a cradle and being breast fed, but you catch my drift.
Ah, the newspaper is here with the post. So what joys has the world for us today? Electricity bill, phone bill and a fire in a house 4 streets down because of an argument between a couple. The world is going down slowly…oh, a letter from my best mate. He moved to the next town half a year ago to be with his girlfriend. Well, not every one is bad after all, but seems my mates have found most of the reasonable ones out there or maybe they are spider's in disguise and they are fools. No way…a wedding invitation?! Didn’t I go to one last month? Hm…seems more and more of my friends are cutting their ties and changing over to living with a sample of the female species. You might now try to persuade me, that because they have found someone I should stop whining and keep searching…forget it! I wish them happiness, but for some of us that is outta our league. Well, wedding it is, just got to call my friend and ask for details. They even rented a pavilion in the nearby park. Sweet. At least the food will be nice and I get to see folks again.
You know what, if you still don’t understand my point of view how about you come along in two weeks? Ok? Well, now that we sorted that can I please finish my breakfast alone and drown in my sorrow? Thanks.
2 weeks later
Well, here we go. Wearing my best suit and tie today, what do you say? Hehe, knew you would like it. Only the best for my mate’s wedding. The bride looked really awesome in her gown in the church. And the way they smiled at each other…sickeningly sweet, but that’s what you get in love.
Next is the buffet. We have been given seating cards. I am at table 14. Wonder if any of my other friends are at that one or if I ended up with folks from the bride’s side of invitations. There it is and….well…I don’t know any of them. Three women and two men, do I see a pattern here? Good day, hello, nice to meet you. I am…oh, right, yeah that name on my jacket is me. Haha...great start. At least the food is good. 1 couple, one girl eating up the guy next to me with her eyes and one other female. Do I start a conversation? She isn’t ugly, but my oath applies. Hm? She asked me if I wanted to get away from those seemingly brainless couples and have a normal conversation…not a bad opening line. So yeah, here we go and you? How about you leave too while I am trying to vent my frustrations in a conversation with this person sitting across from me. Don’t look at me like that, I am not even recognising her as a female, don’t worry. My oath stands high and mighty, saving my bottom from further failure. See you later.
6 month later
Well…we are moving in together next week. Meryl and me. Turned out she was not only a nice person, but even surprisingly civil for a female. After a few more conversations we kinda…well…she asked me if I wanted to go out with her. Maybe not everything about the new image for women is bad…I really like her.
Ah…don’t rub it in, I didn’t expect it either. You see, I think I learned something during my time. Sometimes the good things come to people who stop waiting and simply open their eyes to the beauty of the sky above rather than staring intently on the tiny butterflies sitting on wilting flowers in the field. There is beauty out there too, you know, somewhere there among the spiders.
See you soon, I am of to check out the new apartment. Ah, and leave your address, maybe you can come to the wedding. ;)
That is life for you I guess. ;)