Life is a constant struggle, Satsuki once said that no matter how much we try the only path we can light is our own. If that is the truth why is it we build so many lanterns? I do still feel that she is right at times, when you sit with those you love and they suffer all you want is to carry just a fraction of the weight so they can look up from their misery, but you can not. Maybe she is wrong too though, when someone allows you in to their hearts you can lift the pain just a little to let the light back in. I have experienced both.
I wish I had some wise words now when I stand at my brink and do not know where to turn and run to anymore. My love tries to lift me, but as he turns for the night the ice cold loneliness of the room chills me to the bone, reminding me that I am swimming in too deep a water. I fight with all my might against the sea pressing into my neck laughing at my childish antics.
Yet the only thing I know is that I will keep struggling, each and every day looking for those words to give me strength, to give me purpose. Till I find them I have to tread water and push the water from my face to breathe. For no matter what we feel and how we suffer, to stop and vanish in the deep is not an option. Is that not what makes life the hardest? We know there is this option to just let go and rest, yet our curiosity and this faint light in our hearts will not allow it. If that is a bad thing however, I can not hazard a guess.
"There are many days when all the awful things that happen make you sick at heart, when the path before you is so steep you can’t bear to look. Not even love can rescue a person from that. Still, enveloped in the twilight coming from the west, there she was, watering the plants with her slender, graceful hands, in the midst of a light so sweet it seemed to form a rainbow in the transparent water she poured."
—Banana Yoshimoto (Kitchen)